Economists are predicting that this year on St. Patrick's Day, consumers will spend $4 billion. Unfortunately, about $2 billion of it is going to end up all over their shoes."
"At a zoo in Louisiana, a female chimpanzee recently got pregnant even though all the male chimps had supposedly been fixed -- and now, paternity tests indicate that the father is a chimp named Conan. That's right -- not only did they name a chimp after me -- they botched my chimp vasectomy."
"During a recent campaign speech, Barack Obama complimented his opponent John Edwards by calling him 'kind of cute.' Then he said that Hillary Clinton has 'a really great personality.'"
"The California legislature announced that they have moved their state's presidential primary from June to February. When asked why, a California lawmaker said, 'Because it's really fun to hear Governor Schwarzenegger try to say 'February.'"
"In New York City, the organizers of the St. Patrick's Day parade are upset because they say that firemen showed up drunk to last year's parade. Officials knew the firemen were drunk when they put out a four-alarm fire by peeing on it."
"A man in Montana was recently pulled over for drunk driving, but he told the police officer that he wasn't at fault because his car was being driven by a unicorn. I think I speak for everyone when I say: 'Nice save, buddy.'"
"Donald Trump is reportedly interested in buying the famous New York restaurant Tavern on the Green. Trump says the first thing he's going to do is change the name of the restaurant to "Rosie is Fat."
"The website MySpace has announced that they are going to launch their own news service. The MySpace news service will feature hard-hitting stories like: 'Why is Stacy Being Such a Bitch?'"