Tuesday, February 26, 2008

latest conan jokes (welcome back, writers)

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, which is unrelated to this posting but holds lessons for all of us (especially the two major parties in D.C.).

From our friends at NBC, as heard on Conan O'Brien's latenight show:

"Yesterday, a couple in Minnesota celebrated their 83rd wedding anniversary. When asked how it felt to be married for 83 years, the couple said: 'Please kill us.'"

"This morning, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced that he is stepping down, ending 5 decades of rule. But the biggest surprise was when Castro said he's going to retire in Miami."

"President Bush is in Africa this week, and yesterday he visited a school and read to the students from the 'The Cat in the Hat.' There was an awkward moment when one of the students told Bush, 'Sir, this is a college.'"

"The founders of Ben & Jerry's ice cream are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton. Which makes sense - because 'Ba-rocky Road' is a catchier name for an ice cream than 'Pantsuits 'N Cream.'"

"The Spice Girls say they want to play at Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday party. When he heard this Mandela said, 'Thanks, but I'd rather go back to prison.'"

"Senator John McCain has unveiled a new campaign slogan: 'Ready to lead America into the 21st century.' This is alot better than his old slogan, 'I've been around since the 19th century.'"

"Yesterday, a couple in Minnesota celebrated their 83rd wedding anniversary. Then today, the husband left his wife for a younger woman - Angela Lansbury."

"Someone has found a new Paris Hilton sex tape, and this time Paris is having sex with a woman. When asked about it, Paris said, 'See, I did learn something in jail.'"

"Yesterday Senator Barack Obama won the Wisconsin Democratic Primary. This makes Obama the first black man to ever win a primary in Wisconsin and the first black man to ever go to Wisconsin."

"The band ABBA wants John McCain to stop using their songs at his campaign rallies. When asked about it, McCain said, 'Who cares about ABBA, kids today are into the Bee Gees."

"Yesterday, Fidel Castro announced he's stepping down as the leader of Cuba and will be replaced by his brother Raul. According to the State Department, Raul Castro is the 'Jim Belushi of Central America.'"

"Kirstie Alley has left Jenny Craig and announced that she is starting her own weight-loss program. Apparently, under the program, every time you feel like eating something, Kirstie Alley comes to your house and eats it for you."

"Today's New York Times is claiming that John McCain, who is 71 years old, had an inappropriate relationship with a woman who is a Washington lobbyist. The good news is there's no footage."

"Political experts say this could be a huge scandal for McCain because he's married and the woman he's accused of having an affair with is 31 years younger than he is. In a related story, earlier today McCain was endorsed by Bill Clinton."

"After more than a year of delays, Southern Methodist University and President Bush have finally agreed to the terms for building his presidential library on the SMU campus. SMU promised to build the library and President Bush promised to stop calling the school, 'Smoo.'"

"This year - all year long - the restaurant chain Hooters is celebrating it's 25th anniversary. Hooters says they're trying to really enjoy being 25 - because soon it's all going to start to sag."

"The store The Sharper Image has filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. The Bankruptcy was filed using 'The Sharper Image Bankruptcy Filing/Folding Bicycle/Massage Chair.'"

"Kirstie Alley said her split with the Jenny Craig diet company was amicable and they both decided to go in 'a different direction.' The direction Kirstie went was towards the cookie aisle."

"In Florida, police arrested a man after he walked into a Dunkin' Donuts without any pants. The police arrested the man after he offered to glaze the donuts."

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton once again accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing a speech from another politician. Hillary said, 'Plagiarizing is the second worst kind of cheating.'"

"Senator John McCain has been accused of having an affair with a woman who was a lobbyist for a cable television company. During their affair the cable lobbyist would show up at McCain's house sometime between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m."

"This week, footage surfaced of Senator Ted Kennedy singing in Spanish to a Latino group. There was an awkward moment when someone in the crowd pointed at Kennedy's head and said: 'Look - The piƱata is singing!'"

"Police in Maryland found more than $1 million dollars worth of marijuana in a car parked just outside a 7-Eleven. Police became suspicious when they saw the owner of the car eat a 7-Eleven hot dog."

"The Pentagon says it successfully shot down an old satellite over the Pacific Ocean. According to the Pentagon, this is the largest object to be shot down since Star Jones was fired by 'The View.'"

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