"Yesterday's the entire 'Meet the Press' was devoted to Barack Obama while the entire 'This Week with George Stephanopolis' was devoted to Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a 'Golden Girls' marathon."
"On Long Island, a Dunkin Donuts employee has been arrested because he placed a hidden camera in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom. As punishment, he's been sentenced to five years in a Taco Bell bathroom."
"This weekend the Spears family held a baby shower for Jamie Lynn Spears. And so the family didn't have to get together twice they made it Jamie Lynn's baby shower/Sweet 16 party."
"Yesterday in North Carolina, former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pick-up truck. And like all of the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pick-up truck it began, 'You have beautiful eyes.'"
"President Bush celebrated Cinco De Mayo at the White House last night and said, 'We consider ourselves fortunate that Mexico is a friend and a neighbor.' Then Bush said, 'And by neighbor, I mean the kind who climbs over your fence and refuses to leave.'"
"A woman in New York City is angry because Lindsay Lohan left a party wearing the woman's fur coat. When she heard where the fur coat came from, Lindsay said: 'Thank God - I was worried I'd blacked out and killed a pimp.'"
"At a theme park in California, a man's been arrested because he hopped a fence, entered an animal exhibit, and punched a camel in the face. When asked why, the man just glared at the camel and said: 'He knows why.'"
"Another two primaries yesterday and it was very a tough night for Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton says she isn't dropping out because there are still 6 states that haven't had their Democratic primary. Barack Obama is favored in the states of Oregon, Montana and South Dakota, and Hillary's favored in the state of denial."
""Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has ordered the Chicago White Sox to get rid of two inflatable dolls in their locker-room. Selig told them to either throw out the blow-up dolls or, give them back to Roger Clemens."
"Taco Bell has introduced a new item called the Big Bell Box, which comes with a bacon chalupa, a bean burrito, a crunchy taco, a cinnamon twist and a large soda. Other names for 'The Big Bell Box' include 'The Gut Bomb,' 'The Ass Ripper' and 'The Ruined Weekend.'"
"An anchorman for The Weather Channel has lost a sexual harassment lawsuit brought by his female co-anchor. I don't think he's learned his lesson though, because on tonight's show he said: 'Forecast calls for 3 inches of rain - and 6 inches of me.'"
"Nelson Mandela is turning 90. Nelson Mandela has asked Amy Winehouse to perform at his 90th birthday party. When asked why he likes Amy Winehouse Mandela said, 'She's spent more time in jail than I did.'"
"Speaking of birthdays, today is the 60th anniversary of Israel declaring its independence. Now that it's 60, Israel is going to retire and move to Florida."
"CBS is doing a special about Broadway's Tony Awards and they've edited out a song called "We Just Had Sex" because CBS says it's too racy. Because there's nothing more inappropriate during the Tonys than a song about heterosexual sex."
"A source at CNN says that when Larry King goes off the air - he may be replaced by Ryan Seacrest. When asked why, a spokesman for CNN said: 'We want to make this transition as jarring as possible.'"
"The other day in Iowa, a 78 year-old blind man went bowling and he bowled a perfect game. Of course, no one had the heart to tell him he was in a supermarket."