Monday, June 16, 2008

Recent Conan jokes

From NBC:

" There's a rumor that if Barack Obama is elected president, he might appoint Bill Clinton to the Supreme Court. Which is good because the one woman Hillary doesn't mind Bill hanging out with is Ruth Bader Ginsburg."

"According to a new study, 1 out of every 4 New Yorkers have the Herpes virus. Which explains New York's new slogan, "The City that Never Sleeps Due to Painful Genital Sores.""

"For the first time ever, the national average price for a gallon of gasoline is over $4. Which explains why the new nickname for gasoline: "Starbucks for your car.""

"Professional cyclists may be banned from using Viagra because it gives them a competitive advantage. Which begs the question: "When you're sitting on a bicycle seat - how is having an erection an ADVANTAGE?""

Yesterday Barack Obama said his differences with Hillary Clinton are "infinitesimal, tiny, minute, trivial and inconsequential." When he heard this, President Bush said, "that guy knows way too many words to be President."

A spokesman for United Arab Emirates Airlines says this summer it will launch nonstop flights from the U.S. to Dubai. The spokesman said, "We want to give Americans a chance to visit their money"

John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he meets with the public. It's all part of McCain's "Speak up, I Can't Hear You" tour.

NASA has announced plans to send a probe to orbit the sun - where it will be forced to withstand temperatures of 1400 degrees Fahrenheit. When he heard about it, President Bush said: "Why don't they just go at night?""

"A new study just came out, it says that most computer-support workers would take a pay cut to work from home. Their exact quote was, "We miss living in India.""

"Airlines are of course trying to reduce the weight of their planes, so to cut down on fuel costs they've started carrying less water for the bathroom toilets. Not only that, they're allowing first class passengers to go to the bathroom on anyone in coach."

"The man who helped build the first Taco Bell died this week at the age of 81. Friends say his dying wish was to be remembered as "the man who brought diarrhea to the masses.""

"This week Barack Obama said that the differences between him and Hillary Clinton are 'minute.' When he heard this, President Bush said, 'I believe the word is pronounced min-it.' "

"This week the American research base in Antarctica received a shipment of 16,000 condoms. The condoms come in sizes Small, Extra Small and 'Anarctica Cold.'"

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