Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Jimmy's jokes

From recent shows, via NBC:

“Did anyone see the Kentucky Derby on Saturday? Well, congratulations to Super Saver who won the big race. He celebrated the same way every other horse does – by having no idea what the hell just happened.”

“That’s right, he won the race by 2 ½ lengths over Ice Box. Super Saver will now get ready for the Preakness and the Belmont Stakes, while Ice Box will check himself into rehab, and show up on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

“Speaking of “Dancing with the Stars,” on Saturday Kate Gosselin and one of her daughters ran a 5K race in Pennsylvania. Yeah ,when Kate was asked why her other kids weren't running, she was like "Cr*p! The other kids! I'll be right back!"

“Have you guys been following this whole oil disaster? Well, while he was in the Gulf Coast yesterday, President Obama said, “Let me be clear: BP is responsible for this leak. BP will be paying the bill.” And BP was like “Uhhh, bailout?”

“The president of BP said that cleaning up the Gulf Coast oil spill is “like doing open-heart surgery at 5,000 feet, in the dark, with robot-controlled submarines.” Hey, thanks for such a relatable example. Now I see how hard it is… “How can I explain this – you know when you’re trying to juggle Faberge eggs on Mars during an ice blizzard while Crystal Bowersox is singing the theme from Super Mario Brothers. You know, it’s like that. Right?”

“It was a crazy weekend here in New York. I don’t know if you heard this, but the Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for Saturday’s failed car bomb attack in Times Square. I’m no terrorism expert, but I don’t think it makes you scarier when you claim responsibility for something that failed. “Hey know “Crystal Pepsi?” My idea.”

“Did anyone see this? On Saturday night, Chris Brown sang the national anthem before the Mayweather-Mosley fight in Vegas. So just to be clear, the idea of having Chris Brown sing right before a punching contest went all the way up the corporate chain, and every person on that chain was like “Yeah, I don’t see anything weird about that!”

“Chris Brown sang the National Anthem before a fight? That's like Michael Vick opening the Westminster Dog Show.”

“Finally, I read that a cafe in Brooklyn is now selling a 12-dollar cup of coffee. Inside the cup you’ll find hints of apricot, pineapple, kiwi and lime. And outside the cup you’ll find an idiot who spends 12 bucks on coffee.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Let’s get right to the news. It’s rumored that six pages from the script of the “Lost” series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like, “Oh my god that is definitely the worst leak of all time! Right? Anyone? That’s definitely the leak story of the day…”

“Have you been following the whole oil disaster? Well, scientists are predicting that the oil from the BP spill will eventually reach the shores of Florida. So if you hated visiting your grandparents before, wait ‘til you’re hosing down their oily bodies after a long day at the beach.”

“Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack! The suspect in the failed bombing says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone – even his bomb wasn’t in on it.”

“Speaking of terrorism, two new videos from the Pakistani Taliban seem to show that their leader, Hakimullah Mehsud, is alive – even though the U.S. thought he was killed. So either our intelligence is wrong, or they’re just shooting the new movie, “Weekend at Hakimullah’s.”

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