"Yesterday, BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. Yeah, Costner said all along, a voice kept telling him, “If you build it…and there’s a huge oil spill…and the oil company and government have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to clean it up…they will come.”
"Have you heard this song yet? “The Situation” has recorded his own rap song called “The Situation.” It’s not bad, actually. I thought it was pretty clever the way he rhymed “abs” with “crabs.”
"Police here in New York are looking for a woman known as the “Botox Bandit.” She has been passing bad checks in order to get spa treatments. She probably won’t be surprised when they catch her, but she will LOOK surprised."
"Have you guys been watching the World Cup? Yesterday, Italy tied Paraguay 1-1. Geez, this World Cup has more ties than Paula Poundstone’s closet."
"And finally, “Glee” star Lea Michele will be starring in the 3-D movie musical “Dorothy of Oz.” So if you love Glee and you love the Wizard of Oz…you should probably just go ahead and come out to your parents."