Thursday, September 08, 2011

Amusing Jimmy Fallon jokes for aug-sept

“It’s estimated that Hurricane Irene caused seven billion dollars in damages. Mainly to the bodies of people who ate a week's worth of food supplies in one night.”

“This is pretty cool. Last night at the VMA’s, Beyonce revealed that she and Jay-Z are expecting a baby. That kid is gonna have everything! Except a last name.”

“Get this. In a recent interview, Dick Cheney said that his new memoir will have quote ‘heads exploding’ in D.C. Yeah, especially if you read it while you’re on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Hey, did you see this? Last week, President Obama’s uncle, Onyango Obama, was arrested for drunk driving in Massachusetts. You could tell he was an Obama cuz he was going left, then right, and by the end, you couldn’t tell WHAT direction he was headed.”

“Hey, I heard that 7-Eleven is now selling potato chips that taste like hot dogs. Seriously? I’m still waiting for 7-Eleven to sell hot dogs that taste like hot dogs.”

“Check this out. A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage.”

“That’s right, after couples get divorced, men gain the most weight. While women gain the most stuff.”

“Oh man, travel in New York is still crazy because of the hurricane. In fact, American Airlines lost a woman's cat at JFK, and the airline put out food and water to try and lure it back. Man, that's unbelievable - not that a cat was lost, that an airline is actually offering food and water.”

“Some celebrity news. In an interview with GQ, Simon Cowell revealed that he wants to be cryogenically frozen when he dies. And from the looks of it, his nipples are off to a head start.”

“Listen to this. Researchers found that your first decision is usually the right one. And then they were like, ‘actually, scratch that. The second decision – that’s the right one.’”

“Some movie news. Box office revenues went up this summer, even though ticket sales were down. I was so confused when I heard that, I almost spilled my thirty-dollar bucket of popcorn.”

“This is just crazy. A man in Tennessee was arrested for stuffing a raccoon in his car, driving to a NASCAR track, and going streaking – or as rednecks call that, ‘the trifecta.’”

“That’s right, they found a raccoon in a man’s car after they busted him for streaking at a NASCAR track. I’m just gonna go out on a limb here…mullet?”

“Did you guys hear about this? Chick-fil-A is offering free breakfast for an entire week. Although if you eat breakfast at Chick-fil-A for a whole week, trust me…you’re gonna pay a price.”

“This is crazy. Denny’s is offering a new sandwich called ‘The Mac ‘n Cheese Big Daddy Patty.’ It’s a burger melt stuffed with macaroni and cheese. I know what you’re thinking – no bacon???”

“That’s right, Denny’s is selling a mac ‘n cheese patty melt that has 1700 calories. Which explains the new Denny’s jingle: (TWO BEEPS, THEN FLATLINE)”

“Some TV news. Jaleel White, who played Urkel on Family Matters, will guest star on the season premiere of ‘House.’ It’s gonna be weird when some patient dies of a bacterial infection and he’s like, (URKEL) ‘Did I do that?’”

“Check this out. President Obama has declared that September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month. And if you’re looking for a way to celebrate – I recommend the ‘Mac ‘n Cheese Big Daddy Patty’ from Denny’s.”

“Did you see this? Disney just opened its first resort in Hawaii. It's a weird place - instead of hanging with Winnie the Pooh, Piglet just hangs on a roasting spit.”

“I was just reading about this. A man in Illinois was arrested for not paying his cab fare after he left his ID and a bong in the back seat. But other than that, it was the perfect crime.”

"Hey, a lot of people have been talking about this. Apparently, Mitt Romney is planning to build a huge addition onto his beach house in California. And here’s the cool part—they’re using the same wood that they used to build Mitt Romney.”

”And finally, a company in Wisconsin is selling a Kim Kardashian Halloween costume with a wig, eyelashes, and a foam butt. Professional athlete sold separately.”

1 comment:

Espana said...

I like the choice of songs and there is nothing wrong with the playing of the instruments--although there is a certain careful polish to the lacks a certain rough passion that I like in blues. I almost get the feeling that Laurie wanted the playing to be perfect and thus didn't take chances, nor jam enough. It would have been fun to hear some out-takes or jamming.