Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Recent jokes by Jimmy Fallon

“You guys, yesterday was National Grandparents Day. Or as most people call it, (YELL) ‘NATIONAL GRANDPARENTS DAY!!!’

“Hey, this week, Microsoft is expected to unveil the new Windows 8 operating system. Yeah, in a statement, Microsoft said (FREEZE, HOURGLASS, BLUE SCREEN WITH CODE ON IT.)”

“This is interesting. A new study found that a mother’s diet affects her baby’s allergies. Which can only mean one thing: my mom ate cats.”

“I just saw this. Brand new episodes of ‘America’s Most Wanted’ will now air on Lifetime. Yeah, every time the host says ‘Officials are looking for a man,’ viewers are like (LADY) ‘Aren't we all.’”

“And finally, a new study found that in the last 30 years, the average home size has increased by 600 square feet. Which is fitting, since in the last 30 years, the average person size has increased by 600 square feet.”

“Hey, here’s some big health news. The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins.”

“This isn’t good, you guys. A McDonald’s employee in Minnesota was arrested for stealing the credit card numbers of drive-thru customers. Or as the customers put it, ‘I’m eating at a McDonald’s, and don’t have cash to pay for it. You wanna steal my identity? Be my guest, idiot.’”

“That’s right, Republican Bob Turner won the special election to replace Anthony Weiner. Man, that guy’s got some big briefs to fill.”

“This isn’t good. A week after releasing him into the wild, scientists have lost track of a penguin named Happy Feet. Of course, polar bears know the penguin by his new name: Tasty Feet.”

“Check this out. This week, Michele Bachmann and Cindy McCain had dinner together at a Mexican restaurant in Arizona. It wasn’t good—first they sent their entree back to the kitchen, then they sent the kitchen staff back to Guadalajara.”

“Did you guys hear about this? A former Toys R Us executive was arrested for stealing millions from the company to pay for prostitutes. Yeah, he especially loved that one prostitute, ‘Tickle Me Candace.’”

“Did anyone see this? A new study found that airline delays actually decreased this summer. The study was conducted by not asking you, or me, or anyone who flew this summer.”

“Hey, I read that Tyler Perry was named the highest paid man in the entertainment industry, after making 130 million dollars in the last year. He plans on sharing the money with his family – most of whom are played by Tyler Perry.”

“Listen to this. A woman in Tennessee was arrested for stealing art from an Arby’s restaurant. I don’t know what’s more shocking—that she stole art from an Arby’s, or that she wanted art from an Arby’s, or that there was art at an Arby’s.”

“That’s right, she was arrested for stealing art from an Arby’s. It’s too bad, because that photo of a roast beef sandwich would’ve looked great above her fireplace.”

“Get this. Nurses in the UK are being banned from wearing Crocs because sharp objects could fall through the holes. As opposed to the other big risk when you wear Crocs: people seeing you in Crocs.”

“Check this out. Engineers in Japan have entered a robot to compete in an Ironman Triathlon next month. Big deal – the other night on CNN, I watched eight robots compete for president.”

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