Thursday, February 13, 2014

Don't try this at home: Bizarro tips for living

Everyone in this nutty economy is trying to reach young adults, many of whom are content to get their news from “The Daily Show,” celebrity retweets and the occasional headline on Facebook. So put on your snark caps, kids: It’s the bizarro advice column, where standard, common-sense advice tips are stood on their graying heads.
* It’s tax time, and you’re already screwed for 2013. But for 2014, be sure to throw away all receipts, especially those for solar panels and electric cars. Keep the one for your e-cigarette device, however. That’s a conversation piece. And prepare for the next tax season by going to your personnel department (these days a faceless online portal) and change your W4 form from “Single, one dependent” to “Married, 19 kids and counting” so you’ll have more money to spend now.
* In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s been snowing, a lot, like every four days. I haven’t seen so much white since country music night at Fenway Park. So forget about driving at a slow, steady pace; you should always fly past folks in your all-wheel-drive vehicle since it’s impossible to lose control, spin out or roll over. It can’t happen to you. Don’t worry about roof dams  on your house until icicles hanging off block your entrance. Don’t bend your legs while shoveling, and if your snowblower jams, be sure to clear the chute with a body appendage, preferably a favorite hand.
* We’re getting closer to legal “medical” marijuana in Connecticut. So the dope dealers were right all along: It must be good for you. In Colorado, they already have colorful candy with weed in it. So if it’s so good for you and fun to eat, our tip is to get yourself a prescription (let’s face it, everyone who eats an average American diet has some health problem) and feed it to your entire family. Grade schoolers, toddlers and especially Grandma. After all, no one’s ever gone from pot to a stronger drug. ( If anyone objects, just point to alcohol and say it’s worse.) I mean, if there’s one thing we need, it’s a substance to distract us from dealing with our flawed economy, families and democracy.
* Public pension funds are underfunded, and conventional pensions and retiree medical benefits have been wiped out as CEOs, Wall Streeters and boards of directors made billions. So our 2014 advice is: Find Mr. Peabody ‘s Wayback machine to buy Microsoft or Google stock. Or plan on working until it’s time to make some Soylent Green. (That’s an old Charlton Heston reference; look it up.)
* More health tips for the winter season? Eat lots of processed food from the middle aisles of the grocery store. (If you can’t understand any of the listed ingredients, it must be good!) Load up on dairy, hydrogenated oils, fried chicken, ribs and smoked pork products. Oh, and use lots of white sugar and “enriched” flour in baking. You won’t be very mobile but at least you won’t need much of a pension later on, if you know what I mean.
* Beauty tips: Consider wearing outfits you might see in the New York Times during fashion week, something that looks like George Jetson meets Lady Gaga at a Goodwill bin. Always wash with a Brillo pad, rosemary mint tea and fresh blueberries. And consider “getting some work done” like Bruce Jenner, if you don’t mind looking like Fire Marshal Bill from “In Living Color.”
* Financial tips: Spend more than you earn; you can always charge it. Pay yourself last; indulge all your vices and dining out before you put money aside for your future or a rainy day. Always buy the maximum extended warranty coverage on cars and appliances. If you did that for your VCR, it would still be humming along. Oh, and play the lottery, A LOT. Because if you buy $100 a week in tickets instead of $2, your odds go up... a tiny bit. But you’ll feel like you’re going to win, which is the main thing.
* Public policy tip: It’s really too confusing and unpleasant to cut state budgets sensibly, so just keep coming up with new fees. Fun ones, like keno. Why should Massachusetts have all the guys nursing a cup of coffee in keno diners for six hours? We can have that, too. (Check out Foxwoods’ new online portal for gambling in your home, just launched. It’s not for real money yet, but that’s coming if the state budget goes red again.)
* And finally, should you somehow be struck with the addiction disease and start ingesting all those opiates that doctors like to prescribe, not to mention old street standby heroin, well, remember the lesson of driving in snow: You won’t be the one to die. It’s only a problem for other people.

No comments: