– “This week Lance Armstrong disappointed the last guy on Earth who still believed him.”MEYERS – “During an interview with Oprah Winfrey Thursday, Lance Armstrong admitted to using banned drugs and blood transfusions to get his seven Tour De France victories. Which explains why, during his last two races, he didn’t even need a bike.”
MEYERS – “It was revealed this week that Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o, who was inspired to be a Heisman caliber season by the death of his girlfriend, was actually the victim of an online hoax and that the girl
never existed. Which is not as weird as the fact that a Samoan Mormon who plays football for a Catholic school actually DOES exist.”
MEYERS – “Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years.”
MEYERS – “Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama’s new gun control proposals “illegal”, though I’m not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it’s just thirty hissing possums in a barn.”
MEYERS – “It was reported that President Obama’s 2013 Inauguration Committee is receiving fewer donations than it did in 2009. The scaled-back event will feature fewer inaugural balls, a shorter parade, and a musical performance from the Black Eyed Pea.”
MEYERS – “The White House this week unveiled President Obama’s official second term portrait, in which he now has a wide grin as opposed to the stoic pose of his first portrait. Although this time he’s probably just happy not to be photo-bombed.”
MEYERS – “The Russian Space Agency announced plans to send an unmanned spacecraft to the moon in 2015. Not only that, but it will be thrown there by a shirtless Vladimir Putin.”
MEYERS – “In aviation news the FAA is considering banning airline pilots from using personal mobile devices in the cockpit to prevent them from being distracted while flying. And in terrifying news, they haven’t already done that.”
MEYERS – “Ann Romney has reportedly declined an offer to appear on this season’s Dancing With The Stars. She’s probably not a good fit for the show anyway, because I’ve heard of her.”
MEYERS – “During a concert in Canada this past weekend, Lady Gaga wore an “assault rifle” bra to show her support for gun control laws. And you thought you got nervous trying to unhook a regular bra.”
MEYERS – “A new study from Germany shows that the items most likely to be accidentally swallowed by people are fish bones, chicken bones and dentures. The study was conducted by watching the popular German game show ‘What Have You Swallowed?!’”
MEYERS – “Scientists reported this week that a female chimp in Spain repeatedly changed the channel on a TV in her pen to watch porn. So let me get this straight, in Spain, porn is just on TV?”
MEYERS – “A man in South Carolina was arrested after he stabbed a deaf man because he thought the man’s hand gestures were gang signs. The man is also being questioned about the stabbings of a third base coach and two Italian grandmothers.”
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