A new study has found that the most popular new pastime among senior citizens is surfing the web. Apparently, this explains the huge success of the Web site "Girls Gone Wrinkled."
The Exxon Mobil Corporation has posted the largest annual profit of any company in American history: $39.5 billion. In fact, it's worth so much they're changing their name from Exxon Mobil to Exxon Oprah.
Former Clinton advisor Dick Morris said, "Hillary Clinton will be the next President, but she'll be the worst President we've ever seen." After hearing this, President Bush said, "Wait a minute, I'm not finished yet."
Jennifer Aniston is denying rumors that she has breast implants. Aniston said she used to have breast implants but they were stolen from her by Angelina Jolie.
Earlier today former Vice President Al Gore was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Gore is being honored for his work putting both Arabs and Jews to sleep.
Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab, and she's been telling her friends that all she thinks about is "McDonald's and sex." After hearing this, the Hamburglar burst into her room and said, "Eat me."
Earlier today on Wall Street, President Bush visited the New York Stock Exchange. There was an awkward moment when President Bush asked, "When do I get to meet Dow Jones?"
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is considering a bill that would ban the sale of incandescent light bulbs. Arnold isn't worried about saving energy, he's just tired of trying to say incandescent.
Russia has announced it's holding its annual beauty pageant for employees of nuclear power plants. Apparently last year's winner had the most beautiful three eyes you've ever seen.
Yesterday, Barry Bonds' agent said that Bonds could hit as many as 1,000 home runs. Then, the agent admitted he's on more drugs than Barry Bonds.
Yesterday on a campaign trip, Hillary Clinton suggested that she knows how to deal with "evil and bad men" like Osama bin Laden because she had to put up with her husband. Which explains why Hillary wants to look for bin Laden at the nearest Hooters.
Yesterday Prince Charles was in town and he went up to Harlem and played basketball. Spectators say it was the worst display of an obscenely rich, non-athlete playing basketball since the Knicks games the night before.
The Church of England is using U2's music during a special service - and they're calling the service "the U2-charist." Church officials hope it's more popular than their last rock-themed event: "The Motley Cruecifixion."
Police in Kentucky arrested a man who had over 80 lbs of marijuana hidden in his car's tires. Police became suspicious when they saw Snoop Dogg chasing the car for two miles.