"Over the weekend, disgraced Idaho Senator Larry Craig resigned after Republicans refused to defend him. The Republicans' last words to Craig were, 'Don't let the men's room door hit you in the ass on the way out."
"In New York City, taxi drivers are planning to go on strike tomorrow and stay home. I think they're serious because when they say stay home they mean Pakistan."
"According to a new study, watching television more than two hours a day as a child can lead to attention problems later in life. When they heard this, most Americans said, 'Could you repeat that?'"
"In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said that he and Angelina Jolie would like to have another baby. Angelina Jolie denied the story and said, 'Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in the mood for Chinese.'"
"Yesterday, Senator Larry Craig announced he's now rethinking his decision to resign from the Senate. Craig says he's going to talk the decision over with his wife and the guy in stall number 3."
"Tomorrow President Bush is scheduled to meet with Chinese President Hu Jintao, and President Bush says he plans to deliver a message of 'concern and encouragement.' Or, as Bush calls it, 'conceragement."
"In Mississippi, a Taco Bell had to close after employees found a snake in the restaurant. Witnesses at the Taco Bell say it's the first time they've ever seen a snake with diarrhea."
"In a recent interview, Paris Hilton says she plans to catch a husband with her 'amazing lasagna.' So I guess that's what they're calling it these days."
"Britney Spears has been cleared of all allegations of child abuse in relation to her custody battle with Kevin Federline. When she got the news, Britney was so excited that she threw her kids on the roof of the car and went for a ride."
"Supporters of Larry Craig are now calling for a boycott of the Minneapolis Airport where he was arrested in a men's room. Craig's supporters say: 'We can't take a chance of that airport turning another senator gay.'"
"In a new book, President Bush says that he still remembers what a hangover feels like -- even though he hasn't had a drink in 20 years. Bush says now if he gets a headache and feels queasy -- it's because he's been thinking."
"Scientists say they have new evidence that the dinosaurs were killed off when two asteroids collided 160 million years ago. When he heard this, Larry King said, 'So that's what that racket was.'"
"Paris Hilton recently announced that she is going to appear in a play in London. Paris will be playing the lead in 'Skank on a Hot Tin Roof.'"
"Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson is running for president and he just unveiled his campaign slogan -- 'United in Our Core Beliefs.' If the slogan is a hit, Thompson plans to unveil another one: 'United in Our Core Beliefs: Special Victims Unit.'"
"A new video has emerged from Osama bin Laden and it appears bin Laden is now dying his beard to look younger. At first people were unsure why he wanted to look younger, but then today he joined Match.com."
"A new novelty item is now being sold. It's a Hillary Clinton nutcracker that cracks nuts between its legs. Hillary calls the nutcracker 'silly' -- and Bill Clinton calls it 'chillingly lifelike.'"