"As part of a promotion that Taco Bell did during the World Series, everybody in America will receive a free taco tomorrow. Experts say that the promotion is a good business move for Taco Bell and an even better one for Charmin toilet paper."
"Last night during the World Series, New York Yankee star Alex Rodriguez announced he's opting out of his contract and there's a rumor he may go to the Mets. After hearing this, the Mets said, 'We don't need A-Rod's help, we already know how to choke.'"
"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says that he once had an encounter with a UFO. Apparently, several weird looking little men got off the ship, saw Kucinich and said, 'It's all right...he's one of us.'"
"Yesterday on '60 Minutes,' French President Nicolas Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of an interview. The citizens of France say their President acted rudely -- and they've never been prouder."
"Anthropologists announced this week that according to new evidence some Neaderthals may have been redheads. Anthropologists made the announcement after viewing footage of last year's St. Patrick's Day Parade."
"Britney Spears' mother says that she is writing a book about motherhood. Apparently, Britney's mom is calling the book '135 Consecutive Poor Decisions.'"
"In a new GQ interview, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said 'marijuana is not a drug.' When he heard this, Snoop Dogg said, 'If it's not a drug, then I've been wasting a lot of time.'"
"In a recent interview, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said 'cannibis is not a drug.' Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like 'Cannibals need a hug.'"
"Presidential candidate Bill Richardson has called on his opponents to end all negative campaigning. When they heard this, all the other candidates rolled their eyes and said, 'Whatever you say, fat boy.'"
"Sources in Barack Obama's campaign say that Obama has been watching old tapes of Bill Clinton's debates to improve his style. Which explains why Obama now starts every sentence with, 'Honey, I can explain.'"
"Yesterday in upstate New York, Vice President Dick Cheney went pheasant hunting. This time, just to be on the safe side, as his hunting partner, Cheney chose a pheasant."
"In Dublin, the tallest skyscraper in Ireland is being build and the skyscraper's going to be named after the band U2. Residents of Ireland say that even though the skyscraper will be named after U2, they'll still call it 'that tall thing that's not a bar.'"
"Bad news for O.J. Simpson. Another accomplice from O.J.'s Las Vegas hotel robbery has agreed to testify against him. When O.J. heard this he said, 'I'm going to search for the real killer who's about to kill that guy.'"
"A beverage company in England has started selling a line of bottled water made especially for dogs. The water comes in two varieties: carbonated and toilet."
"The other day in Hungary, a man won a world championship when he solved the Rubik's Cube in 25 seconds with only one hand. After winning the Rubik's Cube contest, he celebrated his victory, again using only one hand."
It's Halloween so this morning on the "Today" show, Matt Lauer dressed up as Herman Munster and Al Roker dressed up as a scary vampire. Not only that, over at CNN, Larry King went on his show without make-up."
"Yesterday in Boston, the Red Sox held their World Series Parade and an estimated 5 million people turned out. Police said it was the most rowdy drunk people they've seen in Boston since every other day this year."
"Today at a press conference, the New York Yankees introduced their new manager Joe Girardi and Girardi said the Yankees may not be ready to win a World Series yet because they don't have all the pieces they need. To which George Steinbrenner said, 'You're fired.'"
"Last night, the New Jersey Devils played their first home game in a brand-new $380 million sports arena in Newark, New Jersey. Newark residents say the new sports arena is a real classy place to get shot outside of."
"Child labor activists are protesting The Gap because there are clothes being sold there that are made by kids. Even worse, the clothes at GapKids are made by babies and the clothes at BabyGap are made by chimps."
"This week Wal-Mart started selling a computer that costs only $199 dollars. What they don't tell you is Wal-Mart's $199 computer is actually an Etch-A-Sketch taped to a toaster oven."
"Bounty hunter Duane 'Dog' Chapman is in trouble after he was taped repeatedly using a racial slur in a message to his son. I don't know about you people, but frankly, I expect a higher standard of behavior from a bounty hunter named Dog."