Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Jimmy's jokes, some recent zingers


Jimmy Fallon's recent jokes, from NBC:
Hey, did you hear about this? On Friday, President Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago for the first time in over a year. It was nice – he even went down to the basement and dusted off some old campaign promises.

Everybody’s talking about this. Soda drinkers in New York are angry about a plan that would ban the sale of sodas larger than 16 ounces. Today, I saw a picket line that stretched six blocks. It was only made up of three people, but still.

This is cool. Over the weekend, the UK celebrated Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee, marking her 60th year on the throne. Yeah, she’s spent 60 years on the throne – just like my dad the first time he ate Indian food.

Here’s some celebrity news. Hugh Hefner is back together with his fiancée, Crystal Harris, one year after she called off their wedding. It’s like they say: “If you love something, let it go… if it comes back to you, it probably ran out of money and remembered you were a billionaire.”

And finally, I heard that this weekend, seven monkeys were stolen from a zoo in Poland. You know, so they could begin shooting Season 6 of "Jersey Shore."

Listen to this. A recent study found that sleeping in the same bed as someone else can help you live longer. Which explains the news that the cast of “Jersey Shore” is actually 300 years old.
Guys this is a true story – a man in Florida running for

Hey, here’s a big election story, you guys. It’s being reported that Mitt Romney’s personal Hotmail account has been hacked. Yeah, Hotmail. Even Ron Paul was like, “Get with it, you old geezer!”
Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, "I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod."
This is interesting. A new study found that optimistic people live longer than pessimists. Or as pessimists put it, “I knew it.”
Hey, I want to wish a happy 56th birthday to tennis great Bjorn Borg! Yeah, I got him a gift card to his favorite store – Bjest Buy.

 Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said he’s planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. Yeah, it’ll probably be something really huge – like, “Hello shoppers, we’ve got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!”

This isn’t good. The dating website eHarmony announced that 1.5 million profile passwords have been stolen. That's scary - can you imagine someone pretending to be the person you were pretending to be?

You guys, this weekend is the 66th annual Tony Awards! Or as it's more commonly known, “‘Glee’ for old people.”

Here’s some local news. New York is launching a five-million-dollar campaign to replace the heart in the “I Love NY” logo. Yeah, five million dollars to replace a heart - or as Dick Cheney calls that, "a bargain."

And finally, I read that the first woman to receive silicone breast implants back in 1962 recently turned 80 years old. Of course, by now, her breast implants are down by her knee implants.

I saw that a high school in Maryland is reprinting eight thousand diplomas because of a spelling error. Which is good, cuz nobody wants to be in the “graduating ass of 2012.”

Some international news. On Wednesday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un spoke at a rally for more than 20 thousand children. Yep, he said if the kids just buckle down and study hard, they can be anything he wants them to be.

I read that this week, several prison inmates here in New York graduated from college. So I guess there are some people who want to be in the “graduating ass of 2012.”

And finally, a company in Missouri is selling a glazed donut-flavored vodka. Which explains why last night I got like 20 drunk-dials from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
Jimmy Fallon's monologue from Monday, June 4.



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