here you go, Dan
AMY POEHLER -- "'Pat' Philbin, the man who staged a fake news conference on the California wildfires last week, has lost his promotion because of the event. Which begs the question, what does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?"
POEHLER -- "Before announcing her retirement on Thursday, Martina Hingis revealed that she had been accused of testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon, but denied having ever used it. Though after she left, officials noticed the baseline was missing."
"Weekend Update" co-anchor SETH MEYERS -- "During the Democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying that 'there's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb and 9/11' Giuliani later responded, saying, 'Joe Biden sucks 9/11.'"
MEYERS -- "J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter books, revealed last week that the Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore was gay. What's more, he has hog warts."
POEHLER -- "Applebee's shareholders have voted to approve the $2.1 billion dollar purchase of IHOP Restaurants. The deal was celebrated at neither Applebee's nor IHOP."
POEHLER -- "A Seattle federal grand jury is investigating allegations by a model who said she was raped, assaulted and threatened by a magician David Copperfield at his private island in the Bahamas. When asked for a comment, Copperfield said, 'Yes I raped you, yes I assaulted and I threatened you, but more importantly...is this your card?'"
MEYERS -- "Alex Rodriguez announced Sunday that he would opt out of his contract with the Yankees to become a free agent. Making him a perfect fit for teams with money to burn who hate winning."
MEYERS -- "A woman in Minnesota wants to file abuse charges against a friend who was pet sitting for her pot-bellied pig and allowed the animal to get fat. I'm no legal expert, but here's how I think that case will go: 'What kind of pig? Case dismissed.'"
POEHLER -- "The Missouri Highway Patrol has been testing a new scanning device that can detect the presence of meth with only the click of a button. It's called a flashlight."
MEYERS -- "It was reported that because of the success of the Disney cartoon 'Ratatouille,' demand for rats as pets has surged. This according to a guy on Avenue A who tried to sell me a rat."
MEYERS -- "It was reported that Ashley Olsen is romantically involved with Lance Armstrong. They've even been riding around the city in a bicycle built for one and a quarter."
MEYERS -- "A hunter in Iowa is recovering after he was shot in the leg at close range by his dog. One witness says he's never seen mallard ducks laugh so hard."
(and finally, with a local angle):
POEHLER -- "An 84-foot Norway spruce from Shelton, Connecticut has been selected to be this year's Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree/bum urinal."